Repetition is the key to learning…except when you’re constantly repeating yourself to your child. We’ve all been there, and know all too well that it’s enough to drive anyone up the wall — we see you!
From urging them out the door in the morning, to getting them to turn off a video game or start the bedtime routine, most parents repeat themselves countless times a day. It’s more than a little frustrating and you’re definitely not alone, but there are plenty of reasons they might not be responding or doing what you asked.
The reasoning behind ‘selective hearing’
Sometimes kids have trouble paying attention to what we say because they’re so focused on what they were already doing, they can’t remember all the steps of a complex request, or they didn’t know you really wanted them to do it, like, right now (come on, you know you’ve heard that excuse!).
If we’re honest with ourselves, if someone yelled for us to do something from another room while we were in the middle of something we were really enjoying, we probably wouldn’t jump right up and do it, either. Starting with respect and intentionality instead shows kids you mean what you say and intend to follow through.
6 simple steps to good listening
Go to where your child is and look at them. The goal is to capture their attention from the start and give instructions when you are near your child, rather than calling out from across the room or another part of the home entirely.
Wait until they stop what they’re doing and look at you. It’s always easier to address a captive audience.
Say what you want them to do. Be clear, keep it simple, and only say it once. This way, kids learn to listen to calm instructions given the first time rather than learning that they don’t need to listen because the instructions will be repeated.
Ask them to repeat the instructions back to you. By asking your kid to explain your directions in their own words, it gives them a chance to ask questions and also gives you a chance to clarify anything your child potentially misunderstood.
Wait there. “Wait time” is the notion of using a three- to seven-second pause after you say something or ask a question. Research shows that kids process and respond better to what you have to say when they are given time to let it sink in.
Let your child know you’re listening too. While you’re waiting, praise every step in the right direction and acknowledge how your child might be feeling at the moment.
Here are a few phrases you can use to show that you’re also listening, and not just ordering them around for the fun of it —
- “I see you’re saving your game — good idea!”
- “Are your bones feeling creaky from sitting so long? Here, I can help you up.”
- “This is fun, it’s probably frustrating to have to stop. I get it.”
- “Still feeling a little grumpy about it? That’s okay. I’d love to hear about the character you built in the game when we get in the car!”
