Every parent struggles with how to get a young child to listen and follow basic directions. It’s humiliating and exhausting to have to repeat yourself 5,000 times till you’re blue in the face.
But what we often don’t realize is that for kids (just like adults), cooperative behavior is much easier to accomplish when they’re feeling at their best — which only happens when their needs have been met. Think about it: When you’re super tired, hungry, or feeling disrespected, it can be really hard to do what you’re supposed to do!
So what, exactly, do kids need to feel at their best and ready to cooperate? Besides making sure they’re well fed and rested…
There are two main emotional “buckets” that you can help kids fill — and refill: their positive attention bucket, and their positive control bucket. “Positive control” gives your child independence and age-appropriate power, which helps eliminate power struggles. And “positive attention” gives your kid the love and connection that helps them listen and cooperate.
If you make filling these two buckets a daily priority, you’ll find that the listening and cooperation will come more naturally — so that you don’t have to spend quite so much energy on repeating yourself!
Here are some things that can help fill your child’s positive attention bucket and positive control bucket. Let these lists inspire you to add what might work for your family!
How to fill your child’s positive attention bucket
- Offer hugs, kisses, cuddles, or a game that involves physical contact (which can also be an opportunity to teach consent at any age)
- Notice and praise them for something they put a lot of effort into
- Read them a book and take the time to discuss what’s happening in the story
- Put away your phone and dive into pretend play with them for 15 minutes
- Tell them how much you love spending time with them
- Take turns making up silly songs while in the car or at bathtime
- Draw them a picture or write them a love note, just because
- Ask for details about their favorite book, character, game, etc. — and really listen!
- Go on a walk together, at their pace, and take turns pointing out interesting discoveries
How to fill your child’s positive control bucket
- Give them options — between two breakfasts, what order to do tasks in, what to wear, etc.
- Let them play with containers of water/sand/rice — and don’t stress about the mess
- Give them an adult job, like pressing the button on the washing machine
- Ask for their opinion on what music to listen to or which route to take, and take their answer seriously
- Let them “read” you a book, any way they want
- See if they want to “help” you do the dishes, even if it’ll take you way longer