Health & Science

How to talk to teens about safe sex and consent

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“The talk” about sex and bodies isn’t a one-and-done conversation. In fact, it can start in bits and pieces at almost any age. As kids get older, it’s important to go beyond the basics of the birds and the bees.

When your kids are old enough that they already have some sex ed knowledge, and they may be interested in dating or intimacy in the near future, you’ll want to be sure to cover topics like safe sex, consent, and why people have sex.

There’s a lot to cover, and you or your teen may find the topics to be tough or embarrassing to discuss. Here are some realistic tips for having those ongoing talks with teens about sex:

  • Look for moments when these topics come up naturally, like after a trip through the family planning aisle of the drug store, or after watching a movie together.
  • Try starting conversations when you’re doing something else like driving or doing chores together, so it seems less uncomfortable for your teen.
  • Think about how your own shame or upbringing factor into how (or how often) you discuss tricky topics like sex.

Find some suggested talking points in our Scripts for Parents video series and in the scripts below!

What to say to teens about safe sex

The following is just one example of a natural way to bring up sexual health topics like using protection to prevent STIs and pregnancy.

Find natural segues: “Thanks for detouring to the pharmacy with me. I noticed you made kind of a sharp turn when you realized we were walking down the ‘family planning’ aisle.”

Acknowledge your discomfort: “I didn’t get a great sex education and grew up with a lot of stigma so I can feel kind of awkward in that aisle, too.”

Reduce shame: “But I try to remember that everyone needs and deserves access to products like these. They’re life-saving — I’m serious!”

Listen for what they already know: “This is where people can get things like condoms, lube, emergency contraception. What do you know about pregnancy prevention and protection from sexually transmitted diseases or infections?”

Emphasize conversations with sexual partners: “Okay, good — thank you for sharing. Now remember, you also need to have conversations with any potential partner about what measures you’ll both take to prevent pregnancy (if that’s relevant) and protect from STIs in any kind of sex you’re having.”

Model how to find accurate information: “Good question, I’m actually not sure what the difference between STIs and STDs are. Let’s look it up on a trusted website when we get home.” Here’s a quick breakdown of the difference:

  • STI = sexually transmitted infection (caused by bacteria, viruses, fungi, or parasites)
  • STD = sexually transmitted disease (when an infection causes symptoms)

What to say to teens about consent

The concept of consent can be complicated, so lots of smaller conversations here and there will help your teen get a better handle on it. Here are some talking points about consent that you’ll want to bring up to help prepare your teen.

Find natural segues: “You did the right thing telling Aunt Sally that you don’t like having your cheeks pinched.”

Emphasize body rights for all: “Yeah, she does kind of treat you like a five-year old. But even if you were younger, every person deserves to be part of the decision of what happens to their body. This is one of the basics of consent.”

Find out what they know: “What do you know about consent?”

Go beyond the basics: “Yep, one way to think of it is like permission or agreement. It goes beyond this, too, though. I mean how many times have you agreed to do something you didn’t really want to do? I know I have.”

Highlight consent as ongoing: “It can help to think of consent as ongoing. Not just getting permission, but having conversations about both peoples’ wants and limits, paying attention to their body language, noticing your own body, checking in throughout an interaction, and even considering power dynamics — like how you were saying it’s hard to say no when your older brother asks you to turn on a certain show even though you don’t want to.”

Develop their critical thinking: “When it comes to sex and consent, there are other important implications like someone’s age and whether or not they’ve been drinking. Why do you think it’s important to think about whether someone has been drinking?”

Establish yourself as a resource: “And remember I’m always here if you have questions or need to talk about something that happened.”

What to say to teens about why people have sex

Addressing the subject with sex positivity will help teens become more comfortable talking about sex when they need to — while also learning to respect others’ boundaries. Here are some ideas of what you could say to your teen who already knows the basics.

Find natural segues: “That was a fun movie. I was thinking about the scene after prom when Kayla asks her dad, ‘Why is sex even bad?’” (This is a reference to the movie Blockers.)

Acknowledge cultural realities: “In our world, there is a lot of messaging that sex is ‘bad.’ And sometimes it can feel like the only time it’s considered okay is when it’s to make a baby and when it’s between two straight people who are married.”

Validate pleasure and connection: “But there are so many valid ways and reasons to have sex — for pleasure, to explore something new, to connect with someone you love.”

Address complicated motivations: “There are some not-great reasons, too — having sex to try to get the other person to like you, or to fit in because your friends are having sex. It’s common to feel like it might be the answer, but if you’re doing so for these reasons, someone is more likely to get hurt.”

Emphasize the importance of consent: “As long as there’s safety and both you and the other person are taking care of each other’s wants and limits, sex isn’t ‘bad.’ And of course, as long as no one is pressuring the other into doing it, or doing it without protection.”

Highlight their decision-making: “This isn’t me encouraging you to have sex or not have sex. These are your decisions to make. My job here is to give you the information and support to help you be thoughtful in your choices.”

Establish yourself as a trusted resource: “I’m always here if you have questions or want to talk through a decision you’re thinking about making, or have already made.”

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