A lot of parents today are holding themselves to impossibly high expectations. There is so much parenting advice and research out there that it is hard not to feel down on yourself when you haven’t done all the “right” things for your child.
Unfortunately, an overly perfectionist mindset doesn’t necessarily lead to better results. In fact, it can cause a decline in your own and your child’s mental and emotional health, research has shown. Through your need to make everything perfect, you can end up fueling anxiety in yourself and your child. Perfectionism is also linked to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and some eating disorders.
Perfectionism can also simply detract from your parenting experience. “Holding yourself to an ‘all or nothing’ standard can induce feelings of anxiety, overwhelm and shame [you], make you more critical and rigid, subtract from your joy and fulfillment as a parent,” clinical psychologist Erica Lee, PhD, of Boston Children’s Hospital, told Scientific American.
The warning signs of perfectionist parenting
Here are some of the signs that perfectionistic tendencies are negatively affecting you and your parenting:
- When you make a parenting mistake, you see yourself as a failure.
- You downplay your parenting successes and don’t allow yourself to celebrate them.
- Your rigid expectations are causing misery for you or your children.
- You criticize much more often than you appreciate, or you can’t give a compliment without adding critique.
- You’ve noticed signs that your child doesn’t think they’re “good enough” either.
There’s nothing wrong with having high expectations of yourself and others, but it’s important to realize that everyone is human, and that mistakes often lead to growth. If your expectations become too rigid to allow you to enjoy life, that’s when you know your perfectionism has gone too far.
How to combat perfectionist parenting and grow your sense of self-acceptance
Perfectionism is a personality trait that can be very hard to shake. But if you’re noticing your perfectionistic tendencies causing problems in your or your family’s emotional health, it’s time to try some ways to grow your own self-acceptance. Here are some tips:
- Open up to other parent friends about your struggles with wanting everything to be perfect. You’ll probably find that others have similar worries and internal battles.
- Remind yourself daily of the things that are going well for you and your kids. Don’t be afraid to voice that praise out loud, or capture those positive thoughts in a journal or a text/note to a partner, friend, or your child.
- Remind yourself that mistakes lead to growth and make us human — when you make a mistake, put a positive spin on it by realizing what you can learn (or laugh about) from the experience.
- If you find that you still can’t shake a heavy and constant feeling of failure, seek out therapy or counseling.
Perfectionism can be mellowed by taking a more conscious, reflective approach. Remember that mistakes are natural in parenting, as in life, and shouldn’t be tied to our self-worth. For more ways to help yourself and your kids embrace a growth mindset, instead of a rigid or fixed mindset, check out our growth mindset family challenge.
