It can be tricky balancing consent — letting your child have control over what happens to them — with things that are just plain necessary, like going to school. So when kids say, “I hate school,” how can you respond in a way that respects their feelings, while still letting them know that school’s not optional?
Here are some phrases to try that validate how your child is feeling and get to the root of the issue, rather than brushing them off. Taking the time to talk through it can seem stressful, especially if you’re trying to get your child out the door for school. But feeling truly listened to will help your child work through a challenging situation, and help them feel safer bringing issues to you in the future.
What to say when your child doesn’t want to go to school
Instead of saying: “But you’ve always loved school!”
Try saying this: “I can tell you’re upset, this must be hard. Can you tell me more?”
Instead of saying: “I know, but you’ll get over it — come on, we have to go!”
Try saying this: “What makes you say that? Is there a particular part of your school day that’s most challenging?”
Instead of saying: “Hey, I had to go to school when I was a kid, whether I wanted to or not.”
Try saying this: “I get it, I used to feel like that too sometimes. It’s okay to feel frustrated, annoyed, or sad.”
Instead of saying: “Nobody loves everything about school — just focus on the parts you do like.”
Try saying this: “Let’s think about how we might fix the parts that are tough. Like, can we get you switched to a locker closer to homeroom so you don’t have to walk in late?”
Instead of saying: “Sorry, but there’s nothing I can do about that right now—it’s time to get to the bus stop.”
Try saying this: “How about after dinner we set up a little ice cream bar to celebrate getting through a tough day?”
A note on mental health days
It’s also worth mentioning that, while you don’t want to make it a habit, there are times when it might be a good idea to let your child take a mental health day. It can be difficult to know when to coach your child through something hard versus when to let them take a break — here’s a helpful guide.
