We often hear we should validate our kids’ emotions — but what does that actually look like in practice? One way you can validate a difficult emotion is to coach your child through it. Rather than saying things like “you’re okay” or “calm down,” it can be more helpful to recognize that the emotions they’re feeling are very real, and help lead them through that tough moment.
How does emotional validation work?
Emotions aren’t likely to go away if we brush them off, so it’s more helpful to let your child go ahead and feel their feelings. Let them know it’s okay to let it out, and that you’re there to support them through it. Sometimes this also means setting boundaries if they’re acting out in inappropriate ways. You can say something like, “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hurt someone.”
At the end of the day, no emotion is permanent. Remind them that no matter how bad they feel right now, it won’t last forever. Encourage some deep breaths and checking in with their body, and be sure to remind them how loved they are.
What can I say to coach my child through a hard moment?
Validating your child’s difficult feelings rather than dismissing them or trying to shut them down will help your child process what they’re feeling more quickly. It will also make them feel safer to come to you when they’re going through tough experiences in the future. Here are five things you can say to coach your child through a hard moment —
- “It’s okay to feel your feelings. I’m going to stay right here with you until you feel better.”
- “I know it hurts. I promise you aren’t always going to feel like this.”
- “Let’s take some deep breaths together and see if that helps.”
- “I hear that you’re upset. Can you tell me what your body is feeling right now?”
- “You’re a kind person, and I know you love your sister. Sometimes we say things we don’t mean when we’re angry. What do you think would make her feel better?”
Kids may get upset about things that seem trivial, but it’s important to keep in mind that they don’t yet have the life experience or developmental level to understand which disappointments and frustrations aren’t worth getting upset over. A parent’s gentle, patient coaching through these hard moments will help build their emotional intelligence over time, so they can handle those experiences more independently as they grow.
