If you or another adult in your family has been diagnosed with cancer, heart disease, a degenerative disease, or any other serious illness, you may be faced with the question of when to tell the kids — and what to tell the kids.
During what is sure to be a stressful, painful, and uncertain time, it can be hard to show up as your best self and make parenting decisions. You may have a range of emotions to cope with, from denial to anger to shame.
While you may not want to burden your kids with this tough information, it’s still vital for you to bring your family members along on this journey with you. Kids are resilient, and will get through this with love and support from you and other loved ones.
Use the following expert tips to help you navigate this difficult experience. You are not alone!
Tell kids early on
For many parents, especially if they have young kids, their first instinct might be to try to shield their children from the scary, unsettling news.
However, if someone close to a child (especially living in the same home or who’s involved in their care) has received a serious medical diagnosis, the child will sense right away that something is wrong. There may be a noticeable increase in medical appointments and phone calls, along with disrupted schedules and shifting moods in the household.
“The worst thing that can happen is that a kid finds out about their parent’s illness from somebody else,” Elizabeth Farrell, a clinical social worker at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, pointed out to NPR. Kids of all ages will feel more secure, cared for, and able to cope if they are brought into the conversation early on.
So experts recommend telling kids as close to the diagnosis as you can. As long as it’s not an emergency situation, it might be appropriate to wait until the weekend to have the initial conversation so that you have time to think about what to say, and they have time to process the news at home with family.
Be honest about the disease, treatment, and possible outcomes
You don’t have to tell them everything at once — that might be overwhelming — but these are some of the essentials you should cover during a series of several conversations.
Be sure to use accurate words when describing the disease — for example, use the term “breast cancer” so that kids aren’t left guessing. Prepare them for any physical changes they might notice. Assure them that doctors are doing everything they can for you/the patient, and that you have a plan for treatment or therapy.
Keep information age appropriate — for example, younger kids might only need to know which areas of the body are affected, while older kids might want more details about the condition and exactly how the treatments work. Refer to this age-by-age guide from the American Cancer Society.
Acknowledge that things might change in your family and household, and explain some of the specifics. For example, if you have more doctor’s appointments and treatments, if you will need to alter your regular activities, or if someone else will need to pick them up from school, etc. Kids care about routines, so these logistical discussions are more important than you might realize.
Be honest about the prognosis, without introducing too many new fears. Farrell suggested to NPR that if a child asks if the grownup will die, you can say something like: “That’s not what’s happening right now. If at any point we need to be worried about that, my doctors will let me know, and we will let you know.”
Then, make an effort to keep kids updated regularly as things progress with the disease and treatment. It’s important to build a sense of trust and transparency with kids so that they will also keep you in the loop about what they’re experiencing through all of this.
Leave space for questions and a range of emotions
Ask kids what questions they have, and let them know they can ask you anytime. Depending on their age and temperament, they might ask a bunch of questions right away, or they might need time to process first.
Know that kids might have a range of emotional responses, or seemingly no emotional response, and both are normal. Depending on the child, they may cry right away, or have sleep disruptions, or have behavioral issues, or be more withdrawn than usual. Just try to have patience and keep offering comfort and a listening ear.
Spell it out for kids: Tell them that it’s okay for them to feel however they feel. Assure them they always have love and support, and lots of people they can talk to and spend time with (you, your other relatives and close friends, etc.).
It’s okay to show your own emotions, too. You might say, “It has all been stressful for me, and you might notice that I’m more emotional than usual. But you can still come to me with anything, and I’ll still be here to listen, okay?”
Seek support outside of the family
You don’t have to be the only one communicating with your kids, or rely on just your relatives to comfort your kids. There are professionals who are experienced in helping kids adjust in similar situations. It’s a great idea to locate support resources outside of the family — even if you don’t think you need them (yet).
Hospitals and medical facilities can refer you to social workers and support groups for children and families of patients. Support groups can make a huge difference because they can help kids feel like they’re not going through this experience alone. They may make lifelong connections or simply find a source of comfort for a few months.
Your child’s school may also be able to connect you with resources, such as a school psychologist or a local organization that can help your family with the various emotional and practical challenges you are going through.
While no one wants to watch their kids and family members go through this type of experience, it can all become a little more manageable when you reach out for support.
