When your teen starts dating, it’s bound to bring up lots of big emotions about your kid growing up and becoming more socially independent. Those emotions can become even more complicated when you aren’t very fond of the person they’ve chosen to date.
It’s important to tread carefully in this situation to avoid pushing your child away, or driving them even deeper into their relationship. Remember that your teen is choosing to be with this person for a reason, and interrogating them or announcing your dislike of that person will only drive a wedge between you and your child.
Navigating this situation can be tricky, so here are some tips you can follow if you don’t approve of the person your child is dating—
- Self-reflect. Seek to understand exactly why you don’t approve of this person. If you think it may be stemming from some underlying prejudices about something like race, gender, religion, socioeconomics, or appearance, it’s important to get honest with yourself and unpack how those prejudices might show up in your judgment of the person your teen is dating.
- Gather information. Rather than lecturing or being overbearing, your focus should be on respectfully and tactfully gathering information about the relationship to make a more informed judgment. Ask friendly questions about your teen’s significant other that show you’re interested in getting to know them better. Let your teen respond without offering too much advice or speaking over them.
- Reinforce the sex talk. Remind them what you’ve talked about regarding consent, boundaries, and sex. They may be annoyed or quiet during this conversation, but it’s important to make sure they understand these important concepts if they’re going to be involved with someone romantically.
- Trust your child. You’ve given your kid the tools and knowledge they need to navigate their relationship and make good choices. Trust that they can handle themselves, and give them the space they need to make their own decisions. This will make them more comfortable coming to you when they do need help.
- Make an effort. No matter how you feel about the person your teen is dating, it’s important for your relationship with your child to make an effort to get to know their significant other, and be kind and welcoming to them. Invite them over for dinner, or on a family outing. Ask them questions about themselves in a non-judgmental way. Making your home and family a welcoming place will make your child and their significant other more likely to spend time where you can monitor the progression of the relationship without interfering.
- Ask, don’t tell. If you witness something that makes you concerned about your child’s relationship, ask them how it made them feel rather than declaring the relationship toxic, or passing judgment on the person they’re dating. For example, if you overheard your teen’s boyfriend discourage her from trying a new activity she was interested in, you might ask her privately later on how that made her feel, and what she might do next.
- Be realistic. The reality is, this relationship is not likely to last into adulthood. Most teen relationships fizzle out after only a few months, and very few will last a year or longer. While you shouldn’t necessarily be rooting for their relationship to fall apart, you can take some comfort in knowing that this is just one step on their journey to adulthood, and they will learn a lot about what they do and don’t want from a relationship as they continue to date.
- Draw a boundary at abuse. If you witness or hear about physically or emotionally abusive behavior in your child’s relationship, that’s when it’s time to set a firm boundary and intervene. If you’re worried about your kid’s safety, or the safety of the person they’re dating, it’s time to step in. Some resources you can turn to in these situations include the organization Love Is Respect, as well as the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE).
The fact is, as long as your child isn’t in an abusive relationship or putting themselves in danger, it’s best to let them decide who to date, and when and how to leave the relationship. In the meantime, do your best to be patient, warm, and understanding so your child will always know they have a safe place to go when they need advice.
