Any parent in the thick of the tween/teen years will likely tell you it’s not for the faint of heart: Figuring out how to effectively communicate with your middle or high schooler is one of the toughest parts of this parenting stage. It means walking the fine line of having a productive conversation without talking down to them or failing to actually hear them out.
Fortunately, family researcher Ellen Galinsky, author of The Breakthrough Years, has discovered the key to get through to your teen — and she shared what she’s learned with Greater Good Magazine.
Galinsky surveyed over 1,600 tweens and teens for her groundbreaking research project, and the results were eye-opening. A key takeaway is that the majority of teens want agency in their lives and on the life decisions that directly affect them. In other words, the best way to parent your young adult is to collaborate with them and give them the ability and space to make their own decisions.
Here, check out four ways you can effectively talk with your teen, instead of at them.
Give them autonomy
We’re living in overwhelming times, to be sure, and it’s totally normal to want to shield your child from the negativity and take on life’s hard challenges for them. It’s your natural parental instinct, after all. But in doing that, you’re not doing your kid any favors. The best foundation you can give your teen on their path to adulthood is the ability to solve problems on their own — and instill in them that they can blaze their own trail, even when it seems almost impossible.
Look at the situation from their point of view
You’ve lived through those awkward teenage years once already, but try putting yourself back in your kid’s shoes. View the situation through their eyes, and discuss together a plan of how to tackle it. (Try the “shared solutions” tip in the next section.)
Work out “shared solutions”
According to Galinsky, with the concept of shared solutions, you state the problem and what your goals are, and then ask your child to suggest solutions to the problem.
Ask them, “What would work for you in this situation? What would work for me?” View the potential solution as one you develop and own together. Then, come up with a solution to try together. If the situation requires consequences, this is when you introduce them (in a calm moment when you can do so rationally).
The final step is to see the result as a “change experiment.” Like all experiments, you test it out and see if and how it works. If it needs tweaking, then you begin the shared solutions process again.
Provide supportive “guardrails”
There’s a difference between simply telling your teen what to do, and providing support and guidance toward a solution. Just like we need guardrails when driving along a narrow road, we need them in the form of constructive guidance and encouragement — and that’s where you come in.
Looking for more ways to open up the lines of communication with your older kid? Check out 10-minute ways to communicate with your tween or teen, and finding new ways to connect with teens — while respecting their independence.
