Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. When our kids cause harm or hurt someone else’s feelings, we expect them to make things right with a sincere apology. Leading by example and taking accountability for our actions is the best way to teach them how.
However, there is such a thing as apologizing too much. Over-apologizing occurs when someone frequently says “sorry” for every little thing, even things that aren’t their fault, or aren’t even mistakes. It may feel like being polite, but apologizing too much can actually signal that someone may be lacking the confidence to simply say what they want to say without always minimizing it. When we over-apologize, our opinions and needs may not be deemed as important as others’ who deliver them unapologetically.
So how can parents tell when it’s an appropriate situation to apologize to their children? Here are some examples of moments when your child could benefit from hearing a sincere apology:
- You made a mistake or were wrong about something.
- They were harmed, even unintentionally.
- A boundary of theirs was crossed (for example, they said “stop” when you were tickling them but you didn’t hear them or didn’t stop right away).
- They were yelled at or insulted.
- They or a situation was misunderstood, causing them to get wrongly blamed for something.
- They were harshly criticized.
- You were dismissive of them or minimized their feelings.
Remember, a sincere apology isn’t followed by a “but”. Apologies aren’t the time to get defensive or try to explain yourself. A sincere apology comes from a good place (trying to explain that you didn’t mean to hurt them), but following “I’m sorry” up with a reason why they shouldn’t be upset often leaves kids feeling misunderstood and invalidated.
Nobody wants to lose their temper with their kids, but what’s most important is what you teach them by how you set things right again. Over time true apologies will bring you closer to your child—and that’s what matters most.
